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Underground. He hated it. The walls felt too cold and the ceilings too low, the air too stale and the people around him too... confusing. He had no idea who to trust or if he could ever trust anyone again but himself - though even then he doubted himself. There were days when kindness challenged the tumbling mess of memories in his mind full of nightmares and images he was unable to separate from fantasy or reality.

He had lashed out at Katniss more times than he could count and although the shackles strapped to his body at night helped him stay in bed, they did not help him sleep in peace. Why was he even here? Why had they saved him? Especially her... She had looked so happy to see him yet all he could think about was the pain and suffering she had caused so many people.

The violent thoughts had calmed somewhat after the wedding, but they would still poke at his mind every now and then, tempting him. He still trusted no one.

Yet here he was now, guarded constantly and chained, but able to walk out of his room at least. He was headed down a corridor out of the wing that held the hospital rooms, not sure where he was going really... just anywhere that had better air. The guard following close behind was a constant reminder of his current state of mind, though a part of him was whispering that it was probably best like this.

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"I'm a fighter, not a killer." She snarled.

And she would never kill Peeta. Even if he attacked her. Even if he asked. Not just for Peeta. Maybe not for Peeta at all, a sneaky little voice said.

But she wouldn't let their little plan to ruin the two of them win. She wouldn't let the Capitol, or, apparently, District 13 trap her into that.

"And there's a difference?" Beyond the Games, beyond what was supposed to be the truth where his mind was stuck in a confused state of knowing and unknowing, he couldn't believe her. He was told what she had done. The reason they were stuck down here and not in Twelve, not home. He knew. He knew. Didn't he?

Then why wasn't that memory shiny? Why didn't it make him feel from his heart and his gut?

The doubt was only angering him further and he bit into his cheek, breathing getting quicker. "You've killed innocent people... people who... didn't have to fight back. That's not just fighting!"

"I've never killed anyone I was pitted against in a death arena!" Her voice was rising. Frustration with him, with herself...the guilt of the people she didn't kill, not with her own hands, but who were gone because of her.

"Them, those people who have you all twisted up. They are the ones who make us killed. And you're believing them!"

"They know more about you than you think! You won't even... admit to it." His hands were feeling twitchy again, gripping the chain holding them together tightly. "One day you're being nice to me, the next you look at me like I'm crazy..." Hah, a bit of laughter there, not holding an ounce of actual amusement behind it. "You call me a friend but you look at me like a stranger. Your eyes say more than you can ever hide."

"Because...because..." She tried to find a way to explain this. It all made sense in her head, and she couldn't see how it didn't make sense to him. But every time she opened her mouth to speak, everything just came tripping out wrong.

"You're...you're one of the most important people to me, but I get close to you and your try to strangle me. How could I not be confused how to look at you?"

Yeah, that summed it up.

Important? Him? That had to be just another lie. Then why did he want to believe her?

Her words shut him up for a long, tense moment, still watching her through the dim light of the room but maybe with a little less... glare. That calmer part of his mind was begging him to listen again and he didn't know what to do in this moment. Peeta knew they were being watched...

"How am I important?"

Looking over at him, she pressed her lips together, considering. Like that was an easy question? If she had a nice, neat answer for how Peeta was important to her, a good chunk of the discord in her personal life could be something she worried about far less.

"It's not that easy a question to answer." Especially when the wrong answer might ruin everything. "You're..."

The only person I trust.

It wasn't true. But he was, maybe the only person she trusted on all front. Though, with what the capitol had done...was became the key phrase. And she didn't think he'd understand that.

"You...before, you knew what we went through. You knew...me. Understood things I couldn't...say." This all sounded stupid, even as she said it, she knew it, but the right words just weren't coming. "We were...safe together. It was the only time we were safe."

"... Safe." He repeats, sounding skeptical but genuinely confused at the same time. How could he have ever felt safe with a person he was supposed to hate? He had brief flashes of dream-like memories about her, of moments together he couldn't comprehend yet felt so real. Is that what she meant? Were those actually true?

Blond brows knit in frustration as he looked downward finally, away from her. He wasn't sure what more to say at that.

Finding a piece of string to play with, she welcomed the silence, before it clicked in her head. He was quite because she'd said something right. And if she just let that go, she might lose whatever sway she had gotten.

Then again, if she said the wrong thing she might lose him. Picking over everything, she tried to find something good, something not...not neutral. Neutral was too passive. But something where she could figure this out a little more.

"Do you remember the night before the quarter quell?"

Silence stretches further a few moments after her question, having to truly think about it.

"What of it?"

She was sure she'd screwed up and said the wrong thing. Blundered this whole mess up. About to try again, his word stopped her.

What of it?

If it wasn't obvious, she didn't know how to explain it. Not wanting to be apart that night, not wanting anything between them, just having their own little world. Like every night on the train, but so much more intense.

"The whole world was just us that night. It...almost made everything ok."

It was difficult to remember details in his current state of mind but something about that particular night was tugging at him to try harder. He remembered snippets of things, of feeling so much and wanting more, of not letting go for hours and hours... He remembered feeling calm with her, feeling... safe, as she had said. He remembered thinking this would be the last time he'd ever get to hold her like this, and knowing it was okay because it meant the sacrifice would mean her survival.

God, it was hurting too much.

There was a flash of something in his eyes as he looked up again; a mixture of confusion and thoughtfulness before it was replaced with sadness. He sunk back down onto the floor, curling into himself.

"How... can that... be real?"

It was hard to resist crawling over to him. Soothing him. To stop herself she dug her nails into her palms, letting the pain keep her in check.

"Because that's...that's how we use to be. It wasn't..." She sighed, pulling her knees close to her chest. "Things weren't perfect between us. I'm not perfect. But they weren't...there was so much good there. It was...so important."

Was she about to cry? No. Not here, not now.

The light pounding in his head is a reminder of his current state. He presses the pads of his thumbs to the bridge of his nose, trying to will the ache away.

His voice is quiet again as he speaks, unsure.

"It hurts when I try to remember."

The fact they would bobby trap his mind from getting better...it didn't surprise him at all.

"...I wish I could help. Remember for you."

She looked up, having no issues now seeing every bit of him in the dim light.

Deep breaths. In. Out. Not that they were really helping at all.

"How is it even possible to mess with someone's mind? How... It doesn't even sound real!"

Did they not explain it all to him? Or was he talking more about how could they even have the ability to do it?

She couldn't hope to touch the second, so she focused on the first.

"They used tracker jacker venom. It's...awful enough without someone manipulating your mind."

He was wondering both, still unable to grasp either side completely. It hurt his brain just thinking about the fact that it was possible, let alone that humans would do this to each other. Then again, who was surprised with the Games having lasted this long?

"They said that here. I heard but I just... I don't get it. Why... How do I know..." It was pointless to keep questioning, wasn't it? The same doubts would linger for as long as he remained stubborn.

"That night you were talking about," he began slowly again, looking up at her. "We were... in your room?" A small detail he needed confirmation for.

That got her attention.

"Yes. My room in the Capitol. In the District 12 penthouse. Effie and Haymitch were both taken away, and we didn't leave each others side. I was afraid, if we did, they'd keep us apart, too."

She realized after that had all poured out that maybe she should let him try to stumble across these things on his own.

It definitely stirred some vague memories he wasn't trying to push away, urges to harm her once again sedated for the time being, but who knew how long that would last? Even if he was supposed to hate Katniss, he didn't enjoy feeling like he wanted to harm anyone. It wasn't... him.

"There was a shower," he brought up, somehow the first clearest memory from that night.

A flush covered her face, and she was glad for the dim lights.

True, she was getting better about not caring so much about nudity. But trying to balance that particular hang up, with not wanting to be apart from Peeta had been a balancing act.

She had even been afriad she'd step into the shower and it'd some how seal her in for the night.

Still she had trust him not to look. And she hadn't. Pretty much.

It took a moment for him to continue but there it was, a slightly sheepish look crossing his features, less hardened now.

"And... you made me stand in the corner the entire time."

She snorted, and then realized maybe that wasn't the best idea.

"Uh. Yeah. I was...very uhm...unsure about nudity."

Since then she had seen too much combat to worry about it. Now it seemed silly to be so hung up on it. Then again, it wouldn't have really changed much. Except where she and Peeta had stood. Well, unless-

-she flushed a little deeper. She wasn't really sure where exactly her mind was trying to go before she stopped it, but she knew it wasn't anything to be thinking about now. Maybe ever. Even if it was giving her that same warm feeling in her guts, the same one as on the beach.

There was something in that which triggered a laugh from him, a genuine one that even surprised Peeta for a moment. Something so simple yet familiar it couldn't be a lie. Katniss wasn't comfortable with nudity and that thought then made him remember Johanna, how her nakedness made Katniss squirm.

You're so... pure.

But perfect for me.

"You only let me step back when I had to actually... wash up. But even then I had to have my eyes shut tight."

He spoke almost daze-like as the memory broke through the barrier of his hijacked state, something else to add to the list of shiny images.

"Ye-yeah."

She gave him a small smile. Maybe...maybe this was working, a bit. If she was getting him laughing...it could be worse.

"You were...very polite about it all."

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Paying you back for that teal;dear

I always love it :3

:3

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i never have the appropriate icon

I'll just compliment yours.

that works ;u;

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She wouldn't let them be in seperat rooms. They also showered. Did she make him stare at the corner

Probably... 8|

ilu so much rn.

admit it, you looked at that booty Katniss

guuuuurl look at that body.

|D and ily too~

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