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Underground. He hated it. The walls felt too cold and the ceilings too low, the air too stale and the people around him too... confusing. He had no idea who to trust or if he could ever trust anyone again but himself - though even then he doubted himself. There were days when kindness challenged the tumbling mess of memories in his mind full of nightmares and images he was unable to separate from fantasy or reality.

He had lashed out at Katniss more times than he could count and although the shackles strapped to his body at night helped him stay in bed, they did not help him sleep in peace. Why was he even here? Why had they saved him? Especially her... She had looked so happy to see him yet all he could think about was the pain and suffering she had caused so many people.

The violent thoughts had calmed somewhat after the wedding, but they would still poke at his mind every now and then, tempting him. He still trusted no one.

Yet here he was now, guarded constantly and chained, but able to walk out of his room at least. He was headed down a corridor out of the wing that held the hospital rooms, not sure where he was going really... just anywhere that had better air. The guard following close behind was a constant reminder of his current state of mind, though a part of him was whispering that it was probably best like this.

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Did they not explain it all to him? Or was he talking more about how could they even have the ability to do it?

She couldn't hope to touch the second, so she focused on the first.

"They used tracker jacker venom. It's...awful enough without someone manipulating your mind."

He was wondering both, still unable to grasp either side completely. It hurt his brain just thinking about the fact that it was possible, let alone that humans would do this to each other. Then again, who was surprised with the Games having lasted this long?

"They said that here. I heard but I just... I don't get it. Why... How do I know..." It was pointless to keep questioning, wasn't it? The same doubts would linger for as long as he remained stubborn.

"That night you were talking about," he began slowly again, looking up at her. "We were... in your room?" A small detail he needed confirmation for.

That got her attention.

"Yes. My room in the Capitol. In the District 12 penthouse. Effie and Haymitch were both taken away, and we didn't leave each others side. I was afraid, if we did, they'd keep us apart, too."

She realized after that had all poured out that maybe she should let him try to stumble across these things on his own.

It definitely stirred some vague memories he wasn't trying to push away, urges to harm her once again sedated for the time being, but who knew how long that would last? Even if he was supposed to hate Katniss, he didn't enjoy feeling like he wanted to harm anyone. It wasn't... him.

"There was a shower," he brought up, somehow the first clearest memory from that night.

A flush covered her face, and she was glad for the dim lights.

True, she was getting better about not caring so much about nudity. But trying to balance that particular hang up, with not wanting to be apart from Peeta had been a balancing act.

She had even been afriad she'd step into the shower and it'd some how seal her in for the night.

Still she had trust him not to look. And she hadn't. Pretty much.

It took a moment for him to continue but there it was, a slightly sheepish look crossing his features, less hardened now.

"And... you made me stand in the corner the entire time."

She snorted, and then realized maybe that wasn't the best idea.

"Uh. Yeah. I was...very uhm...unsure about nudity."

Since then she had seen too much combat to worry about it. Now it seemed silly to be so hung up on it. Then again, it wouldn't have really changed much. Except where she and Peeta had stood. Well, unless-

-she flushed a little deeper. She wasn't really sure where exactly her mind was trying to go before she stopped it, but she knew it wasn't anything to be thinking about now. Maybe ever. Even if it was giving her that same warm feeling in her guts, the same one as on the beach.

There was something in that which triggered a laugh from him, a genuine one that even surprised Peeta for a moment. Something so simple yet familiar it couldn't be a lie. Katniss wasn't comfortable with nudity and that thought then made him remember Johanna, how her nakedness made Katniss squirm.

You're so... pure.

But perfect for me.

"You only let me step back when I had to actually... wash up. But even then I had to have my eyes shut tight."

He spoke almost daze-like as the memory broke through the barrier of his hijacked state, something else to add to the list of shiny images.

"Ye-yeah."

She gave him a small smile. Maybe...maybe this was working, a bit. If she was getting him laughing...it could be worse.

"You were...very polite about it all."

There had been a level of trust in that moment Peeta couldn't understand in his current state, not only from Katniss but himself as well. Hijacked memories aside, his own mind was trying to suppress the pain of not having that anymore, of knowing it would never be like that again.

"You trusted me."

There was a moment of silence as she considered what she wanted to say next. Turning every word, every tense over in her mind, and how these words would effect...everything. Or how they could.

"You are the person I have trusted most in the world."

He had made a lot of improvement since he was first rescued from the Capitol and brought here, despite flares of this stranger popping up whenever Katniss was around. The constant battle over memories he wasn't sure were real or not was tiring, and he found himself angrier at Coin at the moment for forcing them into this situation than anyone else. Did she really want to get rid of her precious Mockingjay?

Yet even when he thought about hurting Katniss now, he couldn't see himself actually killing her. It was that annoying voice that prodded him in the back of his mind.

"And now you can't anymore... because I'm not him anymore."

"You're not anyone else though, either."

She meant that to be reassuring. But once it was out of her mouth, she wasn't sure it came across quite how she meant it. Looking up, she tried to catch his eyes.

"I mean...you're not...you're still you, too. Just...complicated."

He catches her gaze, not looking away quite yet. "Heh, complicated. I guess that's the nicer way of saying it."

A little calmed down though, he understood what she meant. Sort of. A lot tended to be confusing these days. But Haymitch said he was improving and as long as these temper flares eventually went away, Peeta would be glad.

"It seems like the best one for it."

They were talking. Joking...sort of. And it felt good. better than she expected. She had tried to just seal off how much she cared about Peeta, about being around him.

Which clearly didn't work well.

He only broke the eye contact to look down at his palms, rubbing them oddly together. It was nice being able to talk like this, similarly to when they ran into each other this morning and spoke about the wedding and his cake. It was these moments that really confused him the most.

"Why do you think we're really in here?"

When she was dumped in here, she would have been sure it was to kill them off.

Now...less so. Because this was actually getting them somewhere.

"Extreme therapy?"

A small smile formed at that. Somewhat bitter. "Probably a way to get me to not hurt you."

Sure, stick the crazy guy into a secluded area with the one person he most wants to harm. That'll work!

Somehow it did, for now anyway.

"I doubt they think I'm as unchanged as you do though."

"Well who's right then? How changed are you?"

She had once heard the best way to get a gauge for a persons mental state was to figure out how aware of their situation they were.

Then again, she didn't know how aware of Peeta's situation she was, to compare.

He frowned, brows furrowing again in thought. "My memories are all... screwed up but I understand that now. I know some things aren't as they used to be." It had taken a while for him to comprehend that much, even though he still had his flares of anger. "But I still don't understand a lot that I probably should. Like you... and 'us.' Whatever that means."

A shrug then, his train of thought starting to confuse himself too.

"Maybe I'm still the Peeta you knew somewhere inside but I'll probably never be like that fully again."

"...you can always ask me, you know. I know me telling you I'll tell you the truth doesn't mean too much, but...I will."

She considered the last bit of what he said for a long moment, before speaking again. "We are whatever we make ourselves to be. And you are you."

If Katniss had been honest with him all this time, he pitied her. He felt guilty that this had to happen to both of them, especially someone as... nice as her who gave him odd, warm feelings inside no matter how angry he was. She didn't deserve to hang on to someone who was so clearly broken. It would probably be better for everyone if he was dead. Even he knew he couldn't handle this forever.

After listening to her, he closed his eyes, mind looking for something he could ask. There was one memory that had been popping up ever since the wedding, when he couldn't help but think about her the whole night.

"I keep thinking of... something like... a pearl. I keep seeing me giving it to you. Is that real?"

The pearl. Her pearl. It was sitting up in her room, safe in it's little bag, and she suddenly wished she had it. So she could roll it between her fingers and let it calm her down.

So she could show it to him.

"You found it. In the arena, in one of the shellfish we ate. I...I still have it up strairs." She flushed. He couldn't know, from that, that rolling that pearl around her hands, holding it against her lips was all that got her to sleep some nights.

"I see..."

Peeta wasn't sure how much he trusted her but the story seemed as legitimate as he could make of it. What reason would she have to lie about something like that anyway? A stupid pearl. He must have thought it was pretty and she'd want it rather than throwing it away.

Or something.

"That's a weird memory to have but I guess it was important once."

Oh. Ouch.

Swallowing heavily, she found another spot to pick at, nervously. She could keep her hands steady to sink an arrow through anything, but not to have a conversation.

"It...we knew it was probably one of the last times we'd be together."

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She wouldn't let them be in seperat rooms. They also showered. Did she make him stare at the corner

Probably... 8|

ilu so much rn.

admit it, you looked at that booty Katniss

guuuuurl look at that body.

|D and ily too~

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