string_theory | Genderswapped SPN PSL

She was sitting on the hood of the Impala. God only knew what time it was--either really early or really late, didn't really matter--but Sammy couldn't sleep. Every single muscle was sore, but she knew herself well enough to know that wasn't the reason. Hell, she'd slept on broken bones and poorly stitched flesh wounds before. Sure. No problem. She'd slept in infested bedspreads and stretched out across the backseat of the car and, once upon a time, even on a dorm room floor.

No. Her tired and aching body had nothing to do with it.

Sammy was having feelings again. And De, being De, wasn't exactly the outlet she needed right now. Problem was, she didn't have an outlet. She could talk to herself, sure. But that was a sign you were going crazy, right?

Seemed crazy.

But then, maybe she needed to give in to the crazy. A deep breath and a quick look at her life recently was enough to convince her she was surrounded by it. She was tired of swimming upstream. Just...you know...not tired enough to sleep apparently.

"Oh, man," she grumbled, rubbing her face.

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"Uh huh."

She chewed her cheek, trying to decided. Have this conversation now, again? Or put it away. Leave it for later.

"Let it go, Sammy."

It was another out of body experience. Sam seemed to be having a lot of those today. She watched herself turning to look at De. She heard her own voice asking, incredulously, "Let it go? How the hell am I supposed to let it go?"

It was so ridiculous, a part of her wanted to laugh.

To laugh.

In De's face.

"I can't do that, De."

"You can. And you will. There's nothing to be done about it, so stop poking at it before it blows up in both our faces."

If a barely over 5 foot, mid-twenties woman could ever sound like John Winchester, De was doing her best to make her daddy proud.

"No," Sam said stubbornly. "No. It's not that simple and you know it. There's a way. There has to be a way out."

The alternative just sucked too much. Sam refused to accept it.

"So what happens if you keep pushing for your 'way' and get both of us killed, huh?" Her voice is starting to rise, bossiness giving way to anger. "And where does that leave me, and what I gave up if you mess it up and screw us both over."

It wasn't fair to guilt Sam like that, she knew it, but she just needed her to stop.

Sam had to say it. It was what everyone had been thinking, for months now. "You shouldn't have done it in the first place," she said hotly, folding her arms and sinking down into her seat. Unfortunately, she couldn't really get much lower.

She could feel lower, but that wasn't the same thing.

"I'm so sorry princess. Would you like me to kill you again?"

She spat it out and, from the tone of her voice, might not be all opposed to that idea.

"You shouldn't have died. Then neither of us would be in this mess."

That solicited a surly look from Sam. Although, truth be told, she was a little more ticked off by the 'princess' than the threat against her life.

De had been engaging in both for a long time. That was surprisingly comforting and familiar.

But she still hated being called 'princess.'

"People die, De," she said. "That's the way life works."

"You don't. Not on my watch."

And that was all there was too it. If Sam didn't understand it, De wasn't going to go into any weepy monologues to explain it to her. She protected Sam. The end.

A dry, humorless laugh lurched out of Sam's throat. "That's funny," she said. "Really funny. Coming from someone who was technically under orders, from dad, to kill me."

Okay, that might have been a step too far.

Sam ran her fingers through her hair, turning to look out the window. She needed to regroup. She hadn't meant to start a stupid fight. And she doubted De had either.

"Look," she finally said slowly, "if I can't die on your watch, you can't die on mine. That's...fair. Isn't it?" It left them right back where they started, of course, but it was the best way to put any of this into words.

Her knuckles were white on the steering wheel as her jaw tightened at that comment.

"Just because dad said it didn't mean I'd do it."

Way to zero in on De's biggest emotional sturggle, Sam. Well, until she'd traded her soul for Sam's life, at least.

"Except you can't Sam. If you unwind this thing, we're back to square one."

Genderswapped SPN PSL

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